Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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