Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm just crazy horny about you
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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