How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
