i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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