Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
