pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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