I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
