i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
