i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
