I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
