WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
