people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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