Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
