how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
