I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
