I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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