from now on my penis is your penis
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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