my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
