you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
