My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
