girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
