Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
