My Higher Power is John Stamos
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
