My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
