he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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