She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
