Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
