Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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