I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
