I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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