cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
