What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
