I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
