I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
