Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
