Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
