I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
