Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Randomize
