You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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