Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
