I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
