I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
