I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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