I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
