he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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