wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
