At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
