I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
