Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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