i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
