At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
