so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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