Who wears a wallet chain?!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
