y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
