I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
