End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
