im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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