yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
