Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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