you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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